passages

I find myself at this odd juncture of life. Somehow the birthday I will wake up to tomorrow feels significant. It is not just the number, though I sort of choke it out when I say it. It could be watching my children grow into young adults, especially my oldest who will graduate from HS next year.

It just might be the gray hairs, the ones that surprise me first with their texture and then as I fish them out of my bangs, their color. so how does this change happen. Do they grow out gray, and I just didn't notice them until they were 6 inches long, or does the color slowly fade from youthful hairs until they reach this sneaky gray?

So I am aging. I am passing time, in fact when you take into consideration my chronic illness and such, I am likely in the second half of my life now. While that doesn't scare me, it does cause one to pause for a moment, in reverence of things to come.

I have watched my mother, who seemed to slip into this phase of life relatively slowly, just now showing the years of worry on her face. My mother in law has taught me much about embracing and celebrating what you are, where you are truly. Seeing her happily wrap herself into the crone we all become makes me look forward to being the wise sage, observing the family from that spot.

I am so in between. I am a mother, but it is a different sort of mother than Iused to be. No more diapers (oh how I miss those cute cloth diapers!), no more breastfeeding (anywhere my baby needed it, thank you very much. Oh, and until age 4 *oh* did I hear a gasp?) no more baby toys, no more cute little outfits that I get to choose for the day.

Now I enjoy the lack of cleaning butts with poop on them, I do miss nursing, it was such a part of me, of my relationship with my children,and a way to really appreciate by miraculous body.
The kids become so independent, and I know they need me now, but it is just such a different way. Where are the mom groups for me? So many online communities that I was a part of, but grew out of. I could find a playdate, er, no playdates for the 17 yr old huh?

I am just not expressing my disoriented feeling very well in my sleepiness.
I do not fear my 37th year. I am wiser, more exprienced, I have done much, many wonderful things. I know that the coming decade, the 40's are supposed to be the best of all for women. I look forward to it, truly. My kids need me less, and I am finding that it means I can need me more. I need to take advantage of that more. I see time in the coming decade when my husband and I will be alone, just us. We never had that as a newly married couple, because we provided my husband with an instant family. But I look forward to time alone with my husband. I look forward to more bike rides on Saturday afternoon with my true love. I have so much to look forward to.

But I feel like I need to start getting it right. Whatever it is. I need to begin to carry myself more gracefully. I need to think of the wisdom I have to share in the moment, instead of an hour later and that person is gone. I need to wrestle with the gray hair, Shall I color? Can I color yet let my gray sparkle? I love red, I just was lacking the gene to really give me red hair color. Can I go red and still let my grey show?

So many worries,, so many bridges to cross, or streams to wade in.

So as I write this,I am sitting in bed. My incredible husband sent me to bed, with my new birthday toy... hmmmmm. Naughty or nice you wonder?

Well I have on my lap a new laptop. but it is not just a laptop, it is the laptop of my dreams! Because of my chronic illness I spend a bit of my resting time online. I have another laptop that has served me just fine. I dont need fancy stuff, don't game, I just surf and gather info, chat with friends. But my other laptop is old, like maybe 5 years old. It works for my needs, but is heavy. When my pain is significant I have trouble carrying it. Or if I am really weary, bummer.

So I have in my hands a tiny minibook, those new super sweet laptops about the size of a large book. This opens up so much to me, truly. I can take it with me, it won't hurt me from the weight sitting on my lap. I won't have to lug it up and down the stairs... I am blessed. I so adore my husband for thinking of this, for blessing me with something so useful to me.